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Comedy Central
Feb 19, 2013 7:00pm PST
-fi in inner cities. [audience laughter] see you next week. good night. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it -- stephen] [cheers and applause] yes! [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you, friends. [cheers and applause] folks, ladies and gentlemen, with an army like you at my back, i'm ready to go to battle any day of the week. [cheers and applause] and it's time to march again because there's no getting around it, folks we've got to talk about it. last night's state of the union address. big whup-iditdo. what type of narcissistic jerk expects people to tune in to hear a room full of people mindlessly cheer him. [cheers and applause] it is pathetic. [ laughter ] who here smokes pot? [cheers and applause] now, folks, i don't know why i subject myself to last night's socialist stroke job because it was more of the same old, same old new ideas. it was nothing but a not
Comedy Central
Feb 14, 2013 1:30am PST
guest tonight made a new documentary called sound city. now he's about to sit down at the studios and record some of the greatest interviews. please welcome dave grohl. [cheers and applause] hey, dave. nice to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: how are you been? last time you saw you we were hanging out in the white house together. >> that's usually where we bump into each other. >> stephen: that's what we do. >> you wouldn't imagine i would be let into the white house. >> stephen: you were fantastic, incredible for the kennedy center honors rocking led zeppelin. >> i was. >> stephen: drummer for nirvana, lead of the f.a.o. fighters but -- foo fighters now you are a document dlrks arian. you sold millions of copies of nirvana never mind alone. why not phone it in and get fat? >> i decided to make this movie because the studio where we made nirvana's never mind was closing. that studio changed my life. when we went there we were there for 16 days and those 16 days that we made that record, never mind completely changed my life. >> stephen: that's the name of the movie c
Comedy Central
Feb 19, 2013 11:30pm PST
the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except people saw it. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead. [laughter] now, all weekend i was down in the bunker watching these incredible youtube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. it's actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding. [cheers and applause] why is there so much video of the meteor? for the answer, let's go to the video. >> a majority of this footage was recorded purely by chance. captured by small, dash-mounted cameras that are now the latest fad among russian car owners. motorists have turned to dash cams for self-protection, visual proof to fend off charges from possibly corrupt police officers and from insurance sca
Comedy Central
Feb 11, 2013 11:30pm PST
] welcome. welcome to the papal speculatro where we take you down to paradise city, where the smoke is white and girls are not permitted. let's look where you find catholics in the world. this area. [laughter] now, the early favorite is the archbishop of milan angelo scola until john paul ii italians held the papacy for 50 0 years. it was the ultimate dynasty like the yankees only with less money. cardinal mark ouelette is a major front runner with one problem: he's a canadian. p.m. saying, i don't think god wants you to use a condom, aye, won't work. who wants a pope with a staff like this. [ laughter ] some are brgt on a third world pope like ghana's peter turkson who would be the first block pope of 1500 years sending a message of inclusion and virtually guaranteeing tyler perry's madea goes to rome. [cheers and applause] hello. hello. [laughter] folks, i say it's high time we had an american pope. [cheers and applause] after all -- [cheers and applause] after all, god is an american. that's why the intiebl in english. [ laughter ] and there's a great candidate. >> timothy dolan is the m
Comedy Central
Feb 26, 2013 11:30pm PST
are the theoretical physicists know about actual asteroids? >> well, we look at the evidence. in 1908 we had a city that fell on sigh beera, wiped out 830 square miles of siberian real estate. >> stephen: the tungasta event. >> that's right. it could have happened last week. it scimed the earth. we dodged a bullet and then another asteroid hit russia. and if that meteor was delayed by two or three seconds, it would have been a ground burst rather than an air burst and at 40,000 miles per hour do the math it's 20 hero sheema bombs. -- her -- hiroshima bombs. >> stephen: i'm happy do you the math. how often is this happen something in. >> we didn't have large metropolises hundreds of years ago, we had fishing vil yanlz they hit the earth before. we were oblivious, blissfully unaware that we had near misses and actual collisions with objects about the size of an apartment building. these are city buses. and then we have a nation buster which is going to come grazing past the earth and may even hit the earth. that's called the asteroid apofet. it's ten times bigger than the asteroid that scimed the ear
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2013 11:30pm PST
exceptional candidates will come to new york city for the biggest interview of their lives for a chance to land a dream job at one of america's finest companies. >> stephen: you heard them-- a dream job, like an editorial assistant position with "cosmopolitan." [laughter] that's right, "the" an editorial assistant. [laughter] this pioneering form of desper-tainment is sure to be such a hit, other networks are sure to have spinoffs, like "meal or no meal," [laughter] "americans, idle," and "are you more employable than a fifth grader?" [laughter] so congratulations, cbs, for bravely turning america's unemployment problem into america's entertainment solution. and with one hire per show, "the job" should run for 12.3 million episodes. whraf laugh >> stephen: stephen, welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] nation, i play many roles in my family: i'm a father, i'm a husband, but most importantly, i'm a commuter. [laughter] and my car is one of the places people look to me to set an example. if somebody cuts me
Comedy Central
Feb 14, 2013 11:30pm PST
to participate in the life of their city. >> stephen: if that is so important and effective why are you at the top of government why not resign and become one of groundlings you say it's going to change the world. >> it's not about those in office. >> stephen: right, it's not about you. you got it. >> stephen: why do i have you on the show then? >> i'm a conduit opening up government being less prescriptive. >> stephen: let's talk about california. i don't trust the state completely because you have a bear on your flag. [laughter] california was a golden land of opportunity. >> yes, it did. >> stephen: now it's a degreing dust bowl of debt where education isn't free anymore and people are fleeing. it's got a smaller population than wyoming at this point. what happened to california. >> we just submitted a balanced budget for the first time in ten years. >> stephen: by jacking the taxes on guys like me. >> which show surpluses over the next four years if we continue to be fiscally prudent. california is finally turning the corner. don't give up with a state well more venture caple and pa
Search Results 0 to 30 of about 31 (some duplicates have been removed)